A love unearned

Who is to blame and what am I supposed to do now... I don't want to hear anymore lies spilled forth from these lips.... the truth is sweeter but hard to share sometimes and it seems to be easier to lie than to tell the truth and I just don't want to ache anymore inside when I try to breath and feel like there is no air there. For me the stairs disappeared and I walked on falling into darkness and still spiraling down. I have fallen into God's arms and yet in my human body I feel like I am still falling and am trying to have faith and show my faith by not cringing and fearing the impact that I know is going to tear me in half if I really hit. God save me... I need you. I can't do this alone. I feel the falling slow and a soft landing and yet I'm still terrified. He actually answered and caught me and now I can't even dare to look up because I'm ashamed and afraid to see that He is mad at me or disapproving of me and my frailties and how I as a man have hurt one of his beautiful creatures in the form of a woman. I sigh and finally look up to find his face filled with sorrow and compassion and I just start crying unable to hold them in anymore. I look up into His face and just weep and I hear Him call to me come to me. I reach out as my eyes squeeze shut again and I feel arms wrapping around and embracing me and I finally just let it go. Hatred for myself, Anger with my inadequacies, Despising myself for the fact that I have hurt her, Distrust for my own lips... how could they speak such lies? Contempt for my hands... how could they cause such pain? Wonder at my heart... how and when did I let it get so hard? Love for my savior that He forgives all and stands there waiting for me to simply unlock all the deadbolts that have appeared over time and pry the old door open and let him in again. A savior I didn't deserve with a love I cannot earn who cares about me and my life enough to die for me alone. How great though art. Truly not until now did that sentence ever make sense to me, never before was the truth of that line from the song so apparently clear. I feel the shackles breaking free and step forth from my own prison. I walk forth humbly taking a minute to look around and judge my surroundings when I see her there. Sitting but a few paces away still knelt down as her lips move in silent prayer for me. My eyes fill with tears as I slowly approach her and stand just watching her until she feels my presence and turns with a smile looking into my eyes. She stands up and walking into my arms wraps her arms around me tightly and hugs me close as her hand holds the back of my neck and she kisses me on my cheeks softly kissing my tears away. She sees my look and the corners of her mouth twist slightly into the smile she has for me and me alone. In explanation she simply tells me: “As long as I love you with all that I have... I will always stand by you.” And thus once more my tears fall freely as I take her hand and walk forth into the sunlight and the presence of my God.